Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
You Might Also Like
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
SCARY COSTUME