Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You Might Also Like
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.