I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
we’re dead?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.