My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.