AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
You Might Also Like
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Morning.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
This is the one
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*