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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
#catsoftwitter
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Waiting for the Charmin
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.