*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
channeling her this year
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll