*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
You Might Also Like
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.