Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Jokes on them. I took 10.
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My time has come.
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?