Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Well, that didn’t work.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*