What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones