Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Does beer think about me too?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
calling in to work dehydrated
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
it’s the silliest best thing
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”