I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.