My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Very good news from my accountant
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.