Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My new favorite headline
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.