Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Thanks to a fan for this one!
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Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water