Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
An odd boast
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.