Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!