I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

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This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.


*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”


So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?


So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:


Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.


Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*


Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?


God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.