I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!