I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
North and South
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear