This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail
–the invention of zebras
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Netflix: We have Less