@bigpoppadrunk

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

You Might Also Like

@ericsshadow

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

@murrman5

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

@WheelTod

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

@AimeeHelene1

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

@myonlymizztake

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@fro_vo

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.