@mastrap84

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

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@XplodingUnicorn

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

@michimama75

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

@trevso_electric

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

@slimmy_shady

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

@GDUB18T

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

@lovemydogduck

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@The_Mentalyst

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

@alexjmann

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.