My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Beauty and the Beast
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds