My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.


5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it


Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.


“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”


My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.


If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.


I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*


Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.