The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.