Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
stop
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.