angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Dolls on drugs
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
#NoRestForTheWicked
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.