Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.