restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My therapist after every session
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you