Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
You got this…
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.