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I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.