“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers