“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
just having fun
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature