“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III