There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit