[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once