Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*