Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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Worst perfume name ever.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
absolutely not
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER