I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please