[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.