My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.