Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Flock of bats
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.