[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
lol
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons