May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
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