You Might Also Like
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral