Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either