I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.