Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
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Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.