Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.