I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.