I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
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Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running