364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
are they though??
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.