Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese