Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs