lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.