“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….