What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”