I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop